


You Lucky Dog, You

by Qellaswe



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, M/M, Parody, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-11-01
Updated: 2007-11-01
Packaged: 2018-09-30 08:20:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10158566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Qellaswe/pseuds/Qellaswe
Summary: Mix together Naïve!Harry Potter, Returned!Sirius Black, and Sentient!Hogwarts together. Throw in a pinch of Matchmaking!Albus Dumbledore and a dash of Matchmaker's Apprentice!Dobby. Stir until smooth. Chill one hour and serve.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from SeparatriX, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [HP Fandom](http://fanlore.org/wiki/HP_Fandom_\(archive\)), which was closed for health and financial reasons. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [HP Fandom collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hpfandom/profile).

_Two months as a dog, with a vague remembrance of a human life._

_Fourteen more being worshipped as a god once he remembered how to turn back._

_A sea journey that lasted three weeks longer than the anti-nausea potion he'd managed to scrape together._

_One ferocious brawl with Pettigrew at the now infamous Last Battle._

_Which was followed by twelve hexes - varying from semi-harmless to glad that there was medical help wandering around the grounds of Hogwarts - the medical help poking and proding him to see if he wasn't an apparition, and a bone-crushing hug._

_Literally._

_By one enthusiastic godson who had then whacked him upside the head and said that if he disappeared again he would make sure that his father would prank him for all of eternity._

Not that he minded, Sirius thought as he tried to ignore Rufus Scrimgeour as he talked about the 'heroic deeds performed by the Order of the Phoenix.' Anything was a hell of a lot better when he wasn't digging sand out of the crack of his arse. Although being worshipped as a god had been rather ego-stroking, to say the least.

"Sirius," came a hiss from his right. He looked to find Hermione glaring at him. "Pay attention!"

He softly snorted at the admonishment and turned to look at Harry, who was apparently enjoying the speech as much as Sirius was. As they had the last two months since Harry had walked out of Madam Pomfrey's hospital wing, his eyes were drawn to the faint scar that ran along Harry's jaw line from his left ear to just past the other side of his chin. The blade that had made it had been poisoned, but in typical Potter luck it hadn't killed him. Hogwarts' nurse had done her best, but it wouldn't fade, just like the lightning bolt still on his forehead.

Sirius kind of liked it, though he knew Harry hated both of them now. Although the younger man shouldn't hate his newest scar when the action he'd taken after receiving the wound had been to chop Voldemort's head off with Gryffindor's sword. Besides, it gave him a sexy, pirate-y look.

Oh, he did so not think that.

Okay, maybe he did, but Prongs' son was a handsome devil in tune with all other Marauders. Except Wormtail, who was an obvious exception to the rule.

And his eyes were such a pretty green.

Sirius mentally hit himself over the head with the last thought. He really shouldn't be thinking about that. At least, not in the middle of the Ministry's-Excuse-To-Throw-A-Party-At-The-Taxpayer's-Cost.

He looked at Harry again and saw that he had a blank look in his eyes, as if he, too, was lost in his thoughts. Sirius took the opportunity to study the younger man, not really having seen him in the month since the last battle. It wasn't his scar, which he'd seen then, but more of the way he was holding himself. Harry had always seemed as if he was really a sixty-year-old man trapped in the body of a teenager, and Sirius supposed that he really was.

But now, though, his soul seemed to have grown younger. At least, he was less burdened than those brief moments of recognition on the battlefield as all of the fighting ceased. And it showed in his eyes, surrounded as they were by long, dark lashes.

Sirius had always thought Lily's eyes were pretty, but they weren't half as expressive as her son's.

Oh, he did not think that. Well, maybe. Sirius pondered a few more seconds. Okay, he could think of that in aesthetic terms.

Damn it all, he really couldn't.

The sound of applause brought him out of his round-a-bout thoughts of Harry. When he saw Scrimgeour stepping out from behind the podium, Sirius joined in the applause, clapping enthusiastically. Several ladies at their table glared at him, but he saw all of the men had been as impressed with the speech as Sirius was. In fact, he thought he spied a bit of dried spit at the corner of Ron and George's mouths. Fred had either wiped the evidence away or didn't drool in his sleep.

_Did Harry drool in his sleep?_ he wondered. Even so, it was better than snoring.

"Sirius? Are you okay?" the man himself intruded into Sirius' thoughts.

He looked down at Harry's mouth and didn't see anything but lush, pink lips. He blinked a couple of times and looked down at the drink he would have sworn was punch. "I think my drink's been spiked," he said in a slow drawl, without saying 'because I don't think I'd be having such pervy thoughts about you if it wasn't.'

Harry grinned. "Sirius, the punch has champagne in it. You know, to 'celebrate' the occasion?" His face took on a concerned expression. "Are you all right?"

Remus leaned over from Sirius' other side. "Harry, Padfoot is the only Marauder to ever get drunk from Champagne. He could drink Firewhiskey until the bats fly home, but he can't hold his bubbly."

Sirius blinked at the laughter that floated around him. He had to be drunk. That must be why he kept on looking at Harry's lips, because he wouldn't ever think about mashing them into his own. Well, maybe or maybe not. He'd have to see if he felt like this in the morning. If he really was on his way to being drunk, he might as well have fun finishing it. He snagged another glass off a passing tray as it floated between the tables and hurriedly tossed it back before checking out where the bar had to be.

"Um, Sirius?" Harry asked through the haze that was beginning to form around Sirius' brain.

"Yeah, Harry?"

"You do know that had champagne in it?"

Sirius nodded carefully, trying to keep his eyes level as he looked around the room. Once he spotted the bar, he turned to Harry with a grin on his face. "I know. I think I'm going to get smashingly pissed tonight."

******  
"Sirius, you weigh enough for two people," Harry grunted as he dragged Sirius up to the suite of rooms they shared with Moony while they stayed at Hogwarts. The animagus grunted himself and tried to roll over, almost tipping both of them back out of the door. Harry sighed and pulled him over the threshold, regreting his own drunken inability to levitate the older man. "I hope you appreciate this in the morning, Siri."

"'do, Har," came a sleepy response. "Love you." There was a brief pause as Harry pulled him another couple of feet. "I s'eepy now." There was another pause as Harry tried to decide what was closer: the sofa or a bed. "Paddy chased rabbits this morn'in' and I don't like fur in ma teeth."

Harry blinked at the randomness of the last sentence before shrugging it off. He figured that it would be easier to just dump Sirius in a bed and take the couch himself, in case of any problems Sirius may have during what was left of the night. Harry didn't care whose bedroom it was at that point, since he was so tired that he was about to crash on the floor because it was convenient. He decided it would be easier to put him in the nearest bedroom, since each one had its own attached bathroom, and the main living area did not have one. Harry would rather Sirius worship the porcelain god than to use the floor.

Lugging him onto the bed, it was only then that Harry realized it was his own room. He shrugged, because at that point he really didn't care, as he would simply use Sirius' room. Making sure that a candle was lit on the side of the room closest to the bathroom for directional purposes, he left the room and kept the door open a crack.

Sitting heavily on the sofa, he stared at the orange flames dancing merrily in the large fireplace. It was strange to be back at Hogwarts, having not been back since last summer, before what would have been his last year here. Instead, the older Order members had given Harry a fast-track style version of his seventh year and he'd taken his NEWTs over Christmas, after he'd found the fifth Horcrux. He'd been grateful for it, but at the same time, he'd been so tired of it all that he'd alienated a couple of his teachers. At least Remus had accepted his grouchiness.

Speaking of Remus, Harry wondered where he was. The older man had said he was going to bed, but he wasn't in the suite. A sly smile played on Harry's lips. The old man must have gotten lucky. He just wondered if he'd gone back to Tonks or had shacked up with someone else.

"Are you going to tell him, Harry?"

He almost fell off the couch at the voice. Narrowing his eyes, he looked up at the portrait above the fireplace.

"Professor," he reluctantly greeted the white-haired and -bearded man in the frame.

Harry was doomed. There had been a reason why his bedroom didn't have any pictures in it, and his former Headmaster was it. Since setting foot in the castle after the last battle - and after his monthly visit to Madam Pomfrey's domain - the old man had been following Harry around, pestering him about his unfortunate crush on Sirius. Merlin, but he hoped that Sirius' room didn't have any pictures in it.

He glared at the old man, who was currently searching through a large candy dish on the table next to his chair. "Why should I?" he asked in a plaintive voice. "It's not like what I want will happen anyway. Besides, he still thinks of me as his godson," he muttered the last to himself.

"You'll never know if you don't try," Albus Dumbledore said, as he'd obviously heard Harry's under-his-breath comment. He popped a piece of candy that looked suspiciously like a lemon drop into his mouth and sucked on it for a moment. "I certainly never gained something without trying. What's the worst that can happen, my boy?"

Harry stared at the portrait, but the man inside of the gilt frame ignored it.

"One, my heart gets broken forever," he began. "And, two, Sirius never speaks to me again. Neither one of which I could handle."

"Oh, Harry. Neither one of those will happen," the old headmaster said jovially. "I suspect he's already half in love with you as it is."

He shook his head and stood up, too tired to deal with his barmy, former headmaster. "I'm going to bed and forget this conversation ever took place."

Harry was pushing open the door to Sirius' assigned bedroom when the old headmaster called out.

"What?!"

There was a twinkle in the blue eyes. "I said 'why don't you try seducing him?'"

A slight pop sounded. "Harry Potter sir has something Dobby can do?"

Harry glared at the portrait. "Sure, Dobby," he said in as pleasant a voice as he could manage while still half-drunk and incredibly annoyed. "Make sure that there aren't any pictures in this bedroom. Remove any and then cover up this barmy old coot's portrait!" He made his way into the bedroom and then into its attached bathroom, slamming the door as hard as he could. He hung onto the sink and tried to ignore the awful reflection in the mirror above it. Merlin, but he should have just climbed into bed with Sirius, despite the awkwardness and his own attraction!

~~~  
"Dobby."

"Yes, Headmaster Dumblydore?"

"It is time to implement phase one."

~~~  
As he woke up, Sirius was confused by the warmth that ran along his right side. Plus, he was surprisingly sober considering just how much alcohol he had drunk the night before. He had a fuzzy memory of hanging on Harry last night as the younger man dragged him to bed, but once they made it to their suite there was nothing.

He just hoped that he hadn't changed into Padfoot and slobbered over him like he'd done to Remus after James and Lily's wedding reception. Of course, he'd been trapped as the grim for two days until he'd been sober enough to change back.

He looked to his right and found Harry curled up against him, a peaceful look on his face. Sirius blinked at finding him there, but then realized that he was in Harry's appointed room while they were at Hogwarts, as it was decorated in blues instead of the green of his own. He did wonder why he was in here and not in his own room, though. Well, he was a bit bigger in body size than Harry, and it would make sense for the younger man to use the closest room available. And he wouldn't give up his own bed, either. It made perfect sense, then.

The cold air of the room indicated fall was in full swing here in the Scottish highlands. Content to lay in the warm bed, Sirius thought back to last night. Other than missing how he ended up in this bed - where he was currently taking advantage of Harry's body heat - everything else was clear. In fact, it was startling clear. He took another look at Harry as he rolled a bit closer, one hand gripping Sirius' right arm.

The touch was comforting. It was nice to see that Harry felt comfortable enough to touch him. On the other hand, where Harry was touching felt extraordinarily hot, and Sirius wasn't certain he liked it. Well, he did, but he wasn't sure what to make of this entire situation. After all, he been appointed as Harry's godfather, even if he'd never done a lick of work for the job, so what made him think that he was good enough to be with Harry in a different way. Except for changing the boy's nappies, but he'd only done that once when Lily was trying to punish him and the boy had been sick. Lily had always been a little sadistic when it came to punishment, now that Sirius though about it.

He was going off on a tangent again. Let's not go there again, shall we?

Still, Harry had grown up to be quite handsome. Not as handsome as Sirius was, but then, who could be? Chuckling at his own ego, Sirius gazed at Harry's face while it was so close. His lashes were quite long for a man's, but they didn't detract from his high cheekbones and strong jaw line. He could see the faint scar better now, its somewhat jagged edges puckering slightly. He was tempted to touch it, but Sirius had the feeling it would wake Harry up, and how would he explain that? 'I was just being nosy and had to touch it?' That would go down well.

Mentally rolling his eyes as how insane his thoughts were, Sirius carefully began to pull away.

He tried to, at least. Who knew that Harry Potter could cling like a limpet? And obviously liked to cuddle, because he buried his nose in the crook of Sirius' neck, warm puffs of air as he breathed creating the oddest effect on the skin there. Nice, but odd.

He had finally managed to pry Harry's fingers away from his arm when the green eyes popped open.

"Sirius?" came the sleepy voice.

"Yes?" Sirius asked in a strangled voice. He really had to stay away from the sexual innuendo. It did strange things to his libido.

"What'cha doin'?" Harry yawned, then blinked sleepily at him.

He had better come up - stay away from the naughty thoughts, Sirius - with a good story or he was going to find himself in the doghouse. Figuratively at least, but knowing Harry's temper it could be literally.

"Checking up on you," he eventually landed on. Good one, he thought. It sounded plausible, yet was vague enough that Harry couldn't tell anything else was going on while still half-asleep.

"'K."

A minute later and Sirius knew that it was safe enough to creep out of the room. He carefully closed the door and headed in the direction of his own, head still turned. Which saved him from breaking his nose, as he ended up smashed up against a wall.

What?!

Rubbing his head where it had hit, he studied the room, knowing that he was missing something.

Yep. There was only the door he had just come out of, as well as the one on the other side of the room that he knew to be Moony's bedroom, since it was wide open and the bed still un-slept in. One eyebrow lifted at that, and Sirius just knew that he would have to razz his friend when - if - he showed up soon. But that left him with the problem of where his room had gone to.

"Dobby?" he asked into the room, hoping that the house elf was available, as he was the only one he knew the name of.

"Yes, Harry's Paddy, sir?" Said house elf appeared, wearing the most awful outfit that he had ever seen.

Trying not to look directly at it, Sirius asked, "Where's my room?"

The ears flopped down. "Master Harry's Paddy's room had to be closed. Dobby is sorry, but castle won't open it! There be things in it!"

"Closed?" he asked.

Nodding, Dobby beamed. "Dobby put Harry's Paddy's things in with Harry Potter, sir's rooms."

Sirius opened his mouth, but the house elf popped out, leaving him standing in the middle of the room and feeling like an idiot. Well, if it was going to be that way, he might as well go take a shower. And see if Harry was still asleep.

******  
"Moony! Where've you been?" Sirius greeted his friend half an hour later. It was amazing how well a shower could feel along with a shave. When he'd come out of the bathroom, he'd been surprised to find Harry still sleeping. Now, looking at his friend, he gave him a once over. "Wooo!" he exlaimed as he stood. "Moony, you lucky dog, you."

A slight flush colored Remus' cheeks, making them stand out from his reddened lips and the large chain of hickeys wrapped around his throat like a necklace. Sirius tried to hold back a chuckle at the bashful look on his friend's face, and barely succeeded as Remus headed to his room.

The almost-completely-gray-haired man stopped short and looked around the room. "What happened to your room?" Remus asked as he turned around.

Sirius shrugged. "Apparently there was an infestation last night, so it was removed."

A surprised look crossed Remus' face. "Of what? And where did you end up sleeping?"

"With Harry. I mean, I was sleeping in Harry's bed." He saw the sly look and laughter welling up Remus' face and mentally slapped himself in the head. "I mean..."

Remus burst out laughing. Sirius glared at the man as he continued to laugh.

"Moony," he almost whined.

"Padfoot," was the chuckled response.

His shoulders slumped. "You know what I mean."

Remus smirked. "I don't know, Paddy. It sounds like you didn't mind sleeping with Harry. Does he still cuddle?"

Sirius narrowed his eyes as an intense feeling came over him. "What do you mean 'cuddle'? What do you know about it?"

"Whoa, Sirius," Remus said, putting his hands up in a defensive position.

He looked down to find his wand in his hand, pointed at Remus and a not-so-friendly hex at the tip of his tongue. Closing his eyes, he dropped to the chair behind him and put his head in his hands. He felt Remus kneel on the floor next to his chair and put a hand on his own.

"You okay, Padfoot?"

Sirius peeked between two fingers with an incredulous look.

Remus chuckled. "What's a bit of jealousy between friends?"

"Jealousy?" The hands came down, his wand forgotten as it lay clutched between his fingers.

Another chuckle. "You heard what I said." Remus shook his head, as if exasperated. He sat back, his face lightening as if something had just come to him. "You like Harry, don't you?" he asked, moving forward, but much closer than he had been before.

Sirius stared at the knowing look on Remus' face. Well, if Moony knew about it, then it must be official and not something galloping through his head.

Remus stood up. "Well, I think I'm off to bed, then, for some beauty rest. I have a date tonight."

"Get it a little backwards there, Moony?" Sirius asked.

"No," was the answer as the door closed behind Remus. "I don't think so."

He sat back in the chair and stared at the merrily burning fire. Watching the flames helped calm his fast beating heart - and gave him the opportunity to daydream about a certain green eyed man still sleeping in his bed. He'd have to work up some courage to find out if Harry liked him. First, though, he needed to find some food.

******  
"Harry? That you?"

"Yes, Sirius. Ow! Oh, my ears! Did you have to set one of those off in here? Now, it smells awful and we're still stuck."

"Sorry. I was hoping that I could blow up the door."

"Sirius, did you even try to unlock it?"

"I tried all of the spells I know."

"No, I don't mean that. I meant did you try to find a key or just pick the lock?"

"Oh. Well. Maybe I should do that."

******  
"Again? What's this, the third time today?"

"Merlin, Harry. I haven't heard that much whining from you since James tried to take your broom on your first birthday."

"Sirius. Mind in the present, here. At least we have something to do while we wait, since I know for a fact that these doors have to have Hooch's keys to open. I just found some games, and we have brooms."

"What about the window? Think that would unlock?"

"It doesn't hurt to try. If it does, I can fly out and get Hooch back here to get you. I don't think you'll fit through the window."

"Are you saying I'm fat, Harry?"

"No. I'm saying that those windows were built for skinnier people than you - say when this building was built five hundred years ago."

"Oh. Okay."

"Find me a broom while I unlatch the window?"

"Sure."

******  
"Again?"

"I think you're saying my line, Sirius."

"Oh, I guess I am. But seriously..."

"Not that joke again, Sirius. You've really worn out that one."

"Hush. It still works."

"Do you think it'll work enough to get us out of this place? I haven't ever seen this room before."

"Harry, Harry, Harry. You missed out on a lot of things trying to save the school and not exploring it."

"Would you just get us out of here? I'm really hungry, and you can tell me the story on the way to the kitchens."

"You know the way to the kitchens?"

"Yes, Sirius. I'll tell you that on the way, and you can tell the story of this room. But only if you get us out of here!"

"Oh, sorry."

******  
"Why were you in this closet?" Harry asked into the darkness. Damn Dobby anyway. He just knew that the little... elf was responsible for pushing him in here. After all, it'd only been the fifth time today that something like this had happened, and no one else had been around except for the house elf.

"I was looking for some murtlap essence," came Sirius' reply. "Sorry," he muttered as he brushed against Harry. "I need some for a potion."

"A prank, you mean?" he asked, a smile hovering on his lips. Sirius was most likely aiming for Snape after the incident of finding out just whom Remus had been with two nights - and the night before. Yesterday, Sirius had told him all about Moony's sneaking back into their suite - which had suddenly become one with two bedrooms instead of three - while sliding around the issue of why Sirius' things had been mingling with Harry's own. It was nice, he thought, but not very practical for his heart to hope about that. Which was about as healthy as being stuck in rooms with Sirius. It was almost as if....

He'd have to think about that. But in a minute or two, because he could feel Sirius' breath on his cheek and it was very distracting.

There was an air of sheepishness in Sirius' voice as he answered. "Well, yes. But I wanted to get back at Sniv... I mean Snape. Why should Moony be with him and not Tonks?"

Harry sighed as Sirius moved away, half relieved and half disappointed. He himself was bit freaked by the thought of Snape having sex, let alone with Remus. On the other hand, he understood why Remus and Tonks hadn't worked out as a couple better than anyone else. He could understand it now that he was crushing... hell, he'd just admit that he was in love with Sirius, though he like the sound of 'crushing' if his feelings weren't returned.

"I know," Sirius was saying, "I should be happy for Moony, but I can't stomach the thought of Sniv... Snape."

With Sirius far enough away - all of two feet from him - Harry's previous thoughts came back to him and he finally finished them off. He reached over and poked where he thought Sirius' shoulder was in the darkness and got a surprised sounding "oof!" in response.

"Sirius, how many times have we been locked in a closet?"

There was a pause. "Four. No. Five with this one."

"And how many times have we been shut up in a classroom?"

"Three."

"The Quidditch locker room?"

"Once."

"Kitchens?"

"Twice."

"And how many times has Dobby been there?"

He heard Sirius shifting around before he answered. "All of them, except for the locker rooms, which was Ron, remember?"

"Oh yeah," Harry said. "I kind've blanked out on seeing him in his birthday suit. So, forget that one."

There was a snort.

"Sirius, can we stick to the subject please?" Why did this time have to be in the dark? He remembered then that they were in the Potions closet. "Do you think Snape's a bat animagus?" the question popped from his lips before he could stop it. "I mean, because there's no light in here? I wish the castle would give us at least a bit in here."

A dim glow came from their feet, giving an odd cast to Sirius' smile.

"You lucky dog, you," Sirius said as the glow grew a bit brighter - enough that they could find their way around the closet and to the door. "I think the castle's been helping us." He looked at Harry. "But why has Dobby been doing this in the first place?"

Harry took a deep breath and quickly thought all of this over. He might as well just get this over with. He only had to be here one more day, and if it turned out badly, he'd just leave. He wanted to see the world anyway.

"Sirius, I think that there's a couple of things we need to talk about."

"What about?" Sirius was watching him with a curious expression on his face, totally clueless that Harry was about to rip open his heart and lay it bare before his feet.

"I-think-that-Dobby-and-Dumbledore-ganged-up-on-us-to-get-me-to-admit-that-I-like-you," he said in a breathless rush. He figured that it couldn't hurt to get the words out as fast as he could.

"What?"

Harry took a deep breath, briefly closed his eyes before looking straight into Sirius' eyes. "I like you. Well, I mean I love you. And I think I'll be okay if you don't feel like I do, because I was thinking of going and hiding somewhere far away from here - probably across the pond and possibly in Alaska because there's not a lot of people there and they wouldn't bother me and I don't think that there's a lot of magical people that live there anyway and - "

He stopped abruptly when two fingers were placed against his lips. They were pulled back rather quickly by a rather surprised Sirius. "Erm, sorry about the touching, I..."

He watched as Sirius shuffled a bit, his actions a little unsure. The sudden feeling that he had made a fool of himself came over him, if what he'd said had caused this reaction. "I'm really sorry if I made you uncomfortable and all," he said in a low voice, inching over to the door and hoping that the castle had been nice enough to unlock it when it'd turned up the light. "Just forget it."

"Forget it?" Sirius asked in an alarmed tone. A wave of something passed over his face and he turned to face Harry. He crossed the closet in two strides to stand bare inches from Harry. "Why would I want to forget it when I've been trying to get up the courage to say the same to you."

Harry felt like he was going to have a heart attack with the words. There was no way Sirius had just said that - his life wasn't that simple. There had to be a catch somewhere here. He looked up in time to see a smirk growing on Sirius' lips, giving Harry the feeling that he'd missed something in the middle of his fretting. Or would that be his psychotic rambling of hopes and fears? Whatever it was, he was beginning to fear that look on the other man's face. Taking a deep breath and reining in his thoughts, Harry figured that he might as well bite the figurative bullet. "Are you sure?"

The smirk widened, bringing the thought of 'Dear Merlin, am I in trouble' to mind, before it was cut off by Sirius leaning in to whisper in Harry's ear.

"Yes, Harry," he said in a sultry voice.

A shudder ran down Harry's back at the breath hitting his skin. It felt so good, but for all he knew he'd knocked himself out trying to open the door and this was all a dream. He was about to pinch himself when he caught up with what Sirius was saying.

"Let's just skip to the parts with sex in them, shall we?"

He couldn't help but burst out into laughter. Sirius sounded a bit like the soap operas that Aunt Petunia had listened to when he was younger - with lots of torrid sex, cheesy lines, and women cat-fighting. It had to be a dream, because he didn't think that he could stand it if it wasn't.

"Harry? Are you okay?" Sirius asked with a hurt look crossing his face.

Sobering rather quickly, Harry discreetly pinched himself. His fingernails bit into his skin, indicating that yes, this was real, and no, he wasn't imagining the pain in Sirius' voice. He took a couple of breaths and smiled as big as he could make it.

"Sirius, what did you say between having the courage to say the same to me and skipping to sex?" he asked in as straight a tone as he could manage, keeping his face as warm as it could be without sounding desperate or encouraging.

The other man shuffled his feet and ducked his head, mumbling something.

Harry grinned at what he heard. "What was that?" He quickly wiped it off as Sirius whipped his head up to look at him.

"I said," Sirius began, "'I love you, too.'" He reached up and barely brushed his fingers against Harry's cheek as a gentle smile began to appear on his lips. "I'm happy to spend time with you, especially these last few days. I just never thought that you would feel the same way, too."

Sirius leaned in and moved his lips in the lightest of kisses. Harry held his breath at that, overwhelmed by the feelings that rushed through his body at the touch.

It'd never felt like this with anyone else - and never with a single kiss.

He closed his eyes at the second kiss, the movement much more pronounced as Sirius threaded his fingers through the hair above Harry's ear. Of their own mind, he felt his arms move up to reach around Sirius' shoulders as the kiss grew.

If this was heaven, he didn't want to fall back to earth.

******  
Sirius pulled back, breathless from the emotions that had built up within him. He'd been a playboy through school - with a not-so-temporary hiatus in Azkaban - but nothing had ever felt this way. It was funny how he'd been jealous of Lily when she had started dating James, but Sirius had always thought that it had been because he felt she was taking his best friend away.

It had to be a Potter thing, the way he wanted to crush Harry against him and run away to a secluded spot to love him. Well, to also ravish him. Did they really say those things anymore, or was he just behind the times? He'd think on that later, because Harry was moving his fingers in the hair at the nape of his neck and -somehow - Harry had found the one spot that reduced Sirius to a puddle. It felt wonderful and sinfully delicious and the question popped out without his thinking.

"Is now where we have sex?"

He could feel the laughter on Harry's lips before the sound reached his ears. The vibrations on his own lips was odd, but the laughter was a good look on the younger man in his arms. His green eyes were lit from within - a look Sirius had seen only once before, and he'd been the one to produce it then, too, with his return from his trip through the veil. Then what he'd said caught up to his thoughts and he joined in. Remus had called him a randy, old dog once, and it seemed to be true.

He had the feeling, though, that he wouldn't be wandering like one. Not with Harry.

The chuckles died down, but the light was still in Harry's eyes. "No, Sirius," he eventually said in a somewhat shy voice. "I'd rather do that in a bed, and certainly not in a castle where there's nosy house elves and paintings of old headmasters."

"True," Sirius responded. "Plus, there's a greasy Snape and howling Moony to plan pranks against." He watched as a smirk lightly crossed Harry's lips. He half-wanted to kiss them again when it came to him that that was a look he would recognize anywhere. "What are you thinking of, Harry?"

The smirk came back and was firmly planted on Harry's mouth, followed by a most devious light to the green eyes. "How about a prank on everyone in the castle?"  
Sirius felt a grin grow as he was filled with unholy glee at the prospect. "What kind of prank?"

"With the castle on our side?" Harry asked in a leading-to-somewhere tone. The light flickered briefly as if to confirm that. "I think that this can be the mother of all pranks. And..."

"And?" Sirius slyly asked, playing along.

"The best part is, that by the time they figure out what's happened, we can be miles from here."

"Really?"

"Alone. Just us two."

"Yes?"

"Oh, yes, Sirius. Alone. In the middle of nowhere with anyone to interrupt us."

"No one?"

"And then we can have sex."

Sirius pumped his fist into the air before he realized what he'd done. He sheepishly looked down the inch to Harry's face and found that he was looking at him with a fond expression. Pulling his arm down, he smoothed his hands over his robe in an attempt to straighten the cloth and give him a moment to collect himself. Holding his arm out to Harry, he asked, "Shall we?"

Harry pulled Sirius' arm across his waist as he reached over to do the same. "Before we leave, there's one more thing we have to do," he said, a serious look to his face.

Sirius raised an eyebrow in confusion. "What's that?"

Harry leaned forward and brushed his lips in a bruising kiss across Sirius' mouth. "Do you like to wear collars?"

******  
Harry didn't know that having someone suck on your neck could feel so good. A part of his mind - a small part, mind you - wondered why he hadn't done anything like this with Ginny, but the rest knew that it was only with Sirius would it feel this good. After all, five minutes ago, the two had been walking down the hallway to check on something for their big prank when they'd been yanked into a closet by Dobby, but it had a happy ending as he was happily molested by Sirius.

"Hi," said man grinned at Harry as he pulled away.

"Hey, yourself," Harry managed through his breathlessness. He was growing used to being assaulted like this, having been pulled into various closets - or pushed in by an unknowing Dobby - several times over the last two days. He'd almost miss it when they left tonight.

"Do you mind?"

Harry and Sirius looked at each other in surprised and then turned to the source of the voice. His heart almost stopped as he took in the pair they were almost on top of.

"Harry?"

"Ron?"

"Black."

"Malfoy."

"What are you doing with him!?" was the chorus in the closet.

Harry looked at his friend. "I thought you were dating Hermione."

At the same time, Malfoy was glaring at Sirius. "I don't have to say how appalled I am at you dating Potter."

Ron looked at him sheepishly. "I still am, kind of. Maybe."

Harry eyed him with one eye and kept the other on Sirius, who was glaring back at Malfoy with an irritated expression as he said something under his breath. "Either you're seeing Hermione or you're with Malfoy, Ron."

Ron threw up his hands. "Well, ever since you... you know," he moved his hand across his throat in a slicing gesture, "she's been in the library for most of the time."

Harry sighed and stared up at his friend. "You got bored, wandered around the castle, and somehow landed in this closet with your lips locked on Malfoy's?" He bent his head and shook it. Really, was it too much to ask for normal friends? A tiny bit of him wondered just how someone could go from shagging a girl to snogging a guy in two weeks. For him, at least, there was a little more than a year for him to go from dating Ginny to whatever he had with Sirius. Which was very nice and he didn't want it to end, thank you very much.

On the other side of the admittedly large closet, for how else were he and Sirius to have been making out without knowing there was another couple in here, the other two's temper were quickly growing heated. Taking a deep breath, Harry counted to ten as he tried to figure out the best way to break them up without hurting Sirius' feelings (for not being able to prove himself) and not to piss of Ron for touching... well, sort of touching his whatever Malfoy was. Insert adjective of choice as he had plenty of them and really couldn't decide which one to use.

"Oi, cut it out!" Ron yelled in his ear as he jumped over to the other side of the closet.

Oops. He had thought a little too long on that, because Sirius and Malfoy were really into the insults and had begun to get physical. Harry sighed and shook his head before raising his wand.

******  
Sirius looked at Harry with a hopeful look. The younger man simply glared at this and turned his attention back to his meal, and the hope turned into a frown.

"I'm sorry, Harry."

There was a snort from the other side of the table and the clink of silverware as Harry laid down his fork. The green eyes stared into his own blue with a steely look. "Sirius, I almost obliviated my best friend because you couldn't keep your mouth shut. You know that Malfoy can find an insult in anything you say, but you just kept on trying to get one over on him. The best way to stop him is to stop yourself."

His shoulders slumped forward of their own volition as he realized what he'd done. See, this was why he'd been such a player in school. He looked at Harry under his lashes and saw the other man had picked up his fork. Harry was dragging the utensil through his carrots, spreading the thin glaze around in a spiral across the half-empty plate. At least he thought it was a spiral. Sirius cocked his head at a better angle to see it a bit better. No, not exactly a spiral. It was fairly oblong and had something like a knob sticking off to one side on the far end.

Harry continued to drag his fork in what had been an aimless pattern, but Sirius wasn't so sure about that.

"You big perv," Sirius blurted out as Harry put his fork down and picked up his goblet.

Green eyes stared at him in confusion, the goblet partway up to his mouth. "What?"

He pointed at Harry's plate. "You are a perv. Why else would you draw that on your plate?"

Harry put the cup down as he looked at the plate. His face was puzzled when he faced Sirius. "What are you looking at?"

Sirius held in a chuckle as he ran his finger an inch above the drawing. "See? I called you a perv because only a perv would draw a penis on his plate."

"I didn't draw that, Sirius," Harry said in an embarrassed tone of voice, a faint hint of red on his cheeks. "I was just doodling."

He chuckled as he scooted his chair around the edge of the table and put his arm across Harry's shoulders. Sirius put his cheek against Harry's. "You just need to have sex."

Harry pulled back. "What's with you and sex? Is it constantly on your mind?"

"Of course," Sirius replied matter-of-factly as he stared at Harry. "Isn't it on yours?"

"Well, let me think," Harry said as he pulled away even further. "No. Surviving's been what's on my mind for the last several years, and it's still there."

Sirius bowed his head, cursing himself for setting him off. He'd wanted to get Harry's mind off what had happened and it had just gotten worse than that. Thinking quickly, he tried to steer the conversation to where he'd wanted it in the first place.

"Are you ready for tonight?"

Harry eyed him. "You just want me to get off the subject."

"No."

He got glared at for his troubles.

"Okay. Well, partially. But all I really want to know is if you are ready for your first major prank." Sirius looked at Harry with another hopeful look, this time earning the response he was aiming for: a smile. Sure, it was rather shy, but Sirius liked that about Harry. It was as he watched the smile spread that something occurred to him. He leaned forward, as if they were conspiring.

Ooh, he liked that. He'd have to remember that.

Back on the subject, Sirius.

"Harry, are you a virgin?"

The cheeks under those green eyes flushed spectacularly. Sirius congratulated himself on hitting the problem head on. Bad Sirius. He was thinking those entendres again.

"What?!" Harry fiddled with his fork once again. "Why do you ask?"

Sirius leaned back oh-so-nonchalantly. "I don't know. It could be that you avoid the topic of sex every time I bring it up."

"So, about that prank?" Harry timidly said.

He brought his hands up to frame Harry's face to get the other man to look at him. "Harry, it's no big deal. Everyone has a first time. Everyone has a first lover. I'm just here to make sure that I'm your last lover, too."

Harry pushed him away, but had a smile on his face. "You're serious?"

He laughed. "Yes. I'm Sirius."

The other man pushed on his arm. "Stop it with the name joke, Sirius. It stopped being funny after the second time you said it."

Sirius smiled inwardly, proud of the work he'd done here. He'd lifted Harry out of a bad mood, managed to say the word 'sex' a couple of times, and still had all of his original body parts attached where they were supposed to be. He looked up at the clock, which he had modified slightly. "Looks like it's time, Harry." He stood and straightened his robes. "Ready?"

Harry took a deep breath. "As ready as I'll ever be."

They were almost to the Great Hall when Harry stopped him.

"About tonight..."

"What we're about to do or what we're going to do later?"

Green eyes looked at him. "Sirius."

"Yes?" Another look. He toned it down. "I promise that this will be the best night of your life, Harry. I mean that from the bottom of my heart."

******  
Harry and Sirius entered the Great Hall with loud voices. At first, the words were indistinguishable to those already there. Then, as the two walked closer to the table that had been set up where the head table usually rested, the wizards and witches already seated found they could understand what they were talking about.

"So, you just used me as a substitute?" Sirius asked in an incredulous tone of voice.

Harry's shoulders slumped. "I'm sorry, Sirius. I really didn't mean to. But, it was so hard. I'm mean, you knew him. When you were talking about him, he seemed so alive that... I guess that I fell in love with him."

Sirius' body sagged a bit as he brought a hand to his temple in a weary gesture. He looked straight at Harry as he said, "Then I suppose that now would be a good time that I've done the same to you, Harry."

A gasp went around the table - and through the portrait hung on the wall behind it - that went unheard by the two who were talking.

Sirius reached out and touched Harry. "I can see him in your face, Harry. It's like seeing James all over again. It's as if I really have a chance, since Lily isn't here. When she was there, how could I tell my best friend that I was in love with him?"

Another gasp sounded, as several people stood. A few paled in realization.

Harry seemed to be on the verge of tears as Sirius pulled the other man into his arms. The two men stood there as the sounds of sobs reached those at the table. Molly Weasley was halfway through the motion of rounding the wooden structure when the doors of the hall banged open by an unseen breeze.

A figure floated through the doorway. The soft, silvery sheen told them that it was a ghost. When it grew close enough for them to see who it was, Remus passed out in Severus' arms, who himself was whiter than anyone had ever seen.

It looked like James Potter had come to visit.

"Sirius?"

It was James' voice. Minerva sat back down, her hand on chest as her heart beat an erratic pattern.

"And this must be Harry."

Sirius and Harry pulled apart and looked at the newcomer. Their faces were turned from those at the table, but their postures stated the shock they were in. In his portrait, Albus' eyes weren't twinkling, although there was a lot of curiosity in them. It grew even more as the ghost touched first Sirius and then Harry on the cheek.

"If you come with me, I can be with you both," the ghost softly said.

Both men nodded and followed the ghost out of the room.

The table was silent for a brief moment before those seated at it exploded into action. Hermione, Ron, Draco, and Tonks were almost to the door when the ghost of James Potter came floating back in. The four stopped as fast as they could at the sight of the grin on the ghost's face.

"Please, I'll explain in a moment. Sirius and Harry are fine. They're just packing at the moment." He gestured at the four and then at their abandoned seats. "Please, sit down."

Reluctantly, the four sat back down. They and the others looked at the ghost expectantly.

The ghost laughed, and this time it wasn't in the voice of James Potter. No, this laugh was chilling to all who heard it. As it continued, the ghost's shape changed. Several shrieks were heard from the women - and Neville - as a few of the men were reaching for their wands.

Kingsley stood up. "Who are you?" he asked as the ghost become blurry.

The outline sharpened to reveal the Bloody Baron.

The ghost bowed slightly towards the Headmistress. "Hogwarts extends her warm wishes on her current Headmistress, and would like to beg your pardon for your delayed introduction," the ghost said in an eerie voice. It was if he was speaking from a distance. As he spoke, Peeves floated into the hall, a big grin on his face. "Hogwarts would also like for me to say that - "

"You've been punked!" chortled the poltergeist.

Chaos erupted around the table as the Baron and Peeves serenely... well, as serene as a poltergeist can get - floated out of the room.

******  
Hogwarts had always liked the nice, green-eyed boy from the moment he'd stepped within her walls. She could feel the magic that lay within his soul, and she'd known that he would protect her from whatever may happen. Her Harry was kind and was enough to make even the hardest heart take notice.

She'd always liked Sirius Black as he'd played games within her walls. The fierce protectiveness that she'd seen when he was in school was a perfect match for her Harry. He was also the levity the other man needed. Harry, on the other hand, would keep Sirius grounded.

She'd done her part in the prank to make one of her ghosts look like another and then watched with a happy heart as the two stole across the darkened grounds to the gate that was the edge of her being. They'd be back, she knew. But first, they had to go out and see a bit of the world before they realized that their home was both here and in each other's hearts.

fin.


End file.
